December 27, 2002 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 11
bigtips
Why did my funny, life-loving friend turn sad?
by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone
Dear Big Tipper,
I'm feeling sad and confused after a visit with an old friend. I came out around the time we met, and she seemed to take credit for the timing on that, although I'd been gearing up before then. She was fun and generous and kind.
As the years passed, we visited back and forth. It was always a priority to spend time together. We didn't talk that much about our friendship, and we
spent much of our time together just doing whatever the person would have done if the visitor wasn't there.
I watched her change her oil. She kept me company while I defrosted my freezer. We went out and spent time with each other's friends, but as you get older, you're less likely to
go clubbing and more likely to putz around the house, you know?
We met each
her to shut it about your appearance. If she's concerned about something specific you may choose to talk about that in a controlled way, but random or invasive remarks aren't welcome from anyone.
Dear Big Tipper,
I need to know that you agree with what I just did. I have an old friend from high school who I have kept up with since we moved to different cities. We've had sort of parallel lives, but actually, not really. The only thing that's interesting is that we each came out long after we became friends and moved away from our home town.
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BIG TIPS
other's girlfriends—this was mostly me meeting hers, but I had a few along the wayy-and passed again and again through the cycles of “meeting, wanting, getting, being together, and breaking up." I liked most of her girlfriends. She was nice about mine. The intimacy of our friendship waxed and waned in a predictable way as our relationships with girlfriends became more or less primary, but we always knew that we were each out there, thinking about each other.
My friend was just here visiting this past week, and I didn't have the good time that we usually have. She seemed kind of down too. There were things that made the trip less pleasant: I have a dog that she doesn't love. I also have a very, very small home right now, so it wasn't very comfortable, and there wasn't much privacy. I've been unemployed for quite a while, so I feel stressed about spending money.
I also kept noticing things about her that I hadn't thought about before, like the fact that she seemed obsessed with people's physical appearance, and made lots of remarks about mine to me and my partner. She seemed very critical about things that were just mentioned in conversation and judgmental about some of my life choices. She didn't really laugh at all.
I miss my silly, life-loving friend. I know she has many friends where she lives, and she has a very nice girlfriend. Do we all just get like this as we get older? Am I less adventurous or fun? Am I more judgmental? Am I just seeing what happens to all of us? Are we not friends any more?
Dear Melancholy Baby,
Melancholy Dolly
I'm thinking that your friend and you are not quite on the same page right now, but that quite a bit of it may be caused by logistics. It's hard to entertain when you're worried about money. It's hard to have company (or be company, for that matter) in a small home where there's no space to retreat and compose yourself in private.
This is where your history becomes an asset. Neither of you probably wants to throw it all away, so even if you haven't ever made much conversation about the friendship, it's time now. Tell her that you are worried about her: Is she sad? What's going on? And tell
She and I are very different types of gay. I am proud of who I am, and have a nice girlfriend, and lots of friends, and am politically and socially active. She always calls herself bisexual and seems to want to have a sneaky relationship with women. She's always pining for married women in her small town, and any time I call her she's moaning about some drama with notes and affairs and hanging out at the record store for a glance of some woman that she has a crush on who is rumored to be gay. I mean, come on. We've been growing apart, but a recent · visit made this as clear as I could ever need to see it. I showed up to stay with her overnight, and during the few hours that we had to catch up, she spent the whole time on the phone with a friend gossiping about some woman she has a crush on. I finally said that I really wanted to go have some dinner, and she told me to go to the pizza place on the corner. I thought she'd meet me there, but she never did.
I came back about an hour later, and she was on the phone again, but with someone different. So she had gotten off the phone and made another call while her guest was sitting alone in a restaurant. I sat across from her and stared at her until she put her hand over the phone and asked me what the hell was up.
I told her she was the rudest person I'd ever known, and that I didn't think we were friends any more, and that she could shove her rumors and her crush and her phone where the sun don't shine. Then I left and called another friend and spent a very nice evening with him and his boyfriend.
I feel a tiny bit of regret because we have history, but as the minutes pass, I feel like I've made an excellent move. I've never broken up with a friend before, and it feels kind of good. Am I a bitch who will regret this? Broke it Off
Dear No Big Loss,
Scrape that barnacle off your hull, sister. There are old friends with whom our intimacy ebbs and flows (see above), and then there are people that were probably never very good friends to begin with. We can move away from those folks as we become more confident in our ability to have considerate people in our lives. If she feels sorry and comes around, it sounds like she'd probably phone you. Then you can decide how much of her you can take.
Send questions to the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, online at www.bigtipsonline.com, e-mail to question@bigtipsonline.com or fax to 216-
631-1052.
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